Friday, 29 May 2015

Dilemma

Yesterday's night was a very heavy one for me.I am torn between choosing myself or him.The relationship has been way too much for me and him to handle yet somehow we had been hanging on.Every other day,either he had some complaints or I did.The past two months have had nothing for us but irritation,angst and anger for each other.
Yesterday,I had decided to end it all because now it was enough.Moreover,I have built up this kind of an attitude over the many weeks that now I dont really wish to be in a relationship.All this-being romantically involved,taking care of someone else,being accountable,responsible etc have gone far beyond my covet now.I want to be alone.I want to live for myself.I want to fly.It's not at all that my botfriend restricts me from being myself or anything but still there is this unsaid rule that we to be there always whenever either of us need.We have to be accountable.We have to be responsible.We have to think ten times before doing anything in order to ensure it does bot harm us or our relationship.
I am tired of it now.Yesterday I broke up after we had a heated argument.I thought that for once it was finally over.I kept my phone aside and got back to reading a novel in orer to divert my mind from it all and then I get a message from him saying,'you would never see me again.I promise you that.'
I got a little worked up because even before he had tried to do some sort of this stupid thing by telling  me that he had eaten some pills and now his blood pressure was going to get slow that it might be fatal and I was so exasperated at that momen.Only later when we resolved that he told me that he was only planning but did not actually.And so because of this incident,I couldnt help but call him back.I told him everything that I cannot be in this relationship anymore but then he had a meltdown.
He has soo many problems going on his family.His academy result has been very much disappointing.He is completely broke from inside.He said he does admit that he has made mistakes due to which I have reached my saturation point but he wants to change.And I cannot just leave him like this because his life is in a turmoil.He needs someone to confide in.To comfort him.And I am his escape from his messed up world.If I leave,he has no idea what he might do but definitely he would not survive for long,that he promised me.
Hearing it all,I was numb.I did not have the ghost of an idea as to what I should be doing.Now,all the firm hold I had had before on my decision to break up,I felt it loosening up.I did not know what to do.He said I love you.I kept quiet.He said I cannot leave you.I kept quiet.He said come back.I cannot let you go.A silent drop of tear rolled down my cheeks.My mind my black.My heart was wreathing in an unknown anxiety.I could not be so heartless.I could not leave him just like this and go.The battle between my heart and mind ended even before It could commence.
"I love you too.",I said and there,right then,it all ended.
We talked into the night after that,trying to cheer up each other and finally slept at 5 in the morning.
Today's day so far has been good enough.No fights.No nothing.All is good.All is calm.
I dont know if it was a right decision or not.Only time can tell that but till then,I just hope we pull it off in the best way possible without sacrificing our own selves.
I feel happy currently.Maybe this time the cupid would strike on the right spot and forever hopefully. :)
Love.Live.Dream.
Shubhi

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

After Effects of a 90%

So today I and my family went for a dinner at night.Yesterday's result was a bit of a diappointment for me but my parent's,my relatives everyone congratulated me for securing a ninety but the truth was not revealed to me till today.
As we sat down in the car and moved towards our destination,it all began.
My mom was the first one to speak."You know Poonam's son has cleared IIT Delhi and most probably IIT Mumbai too.He even got 95% in his boards.It was very clear from the very beggining that he is very intelligent.So studious.She seemed so happy."
I sat back in the car,quietly trying to avoid hearing about how many 95 and 97 other kids had got by looking outside the car window at the complete darkness of the night.Even the stars seemed to have abandoned the sky for once.The street lights glowed their usual orange and faded one by one into the distance as we moved ahead.
We sat down in the restaurant and what had paused for around 10 mins after getting down from the car and settling down into our seats inside the restaurant commenced afresh.
"Did you check on your friends result?" ,my mom asked me.
"No.What's the need?What would I do with their result?" ,I replied.
"But still you should be informed."
"With 90%,you know Shubhi you stand nowhere in the real scenario.No Delhi University.No good college.You have closed one door for yourself.You cannot now expect to get admission on the basis of your marks because 90 is not enough.I have checked the results of other students in your class and most of them have their score around 94%.They are kids who might be able to get into DU.You now have only one chance and that is the entrance exam.Gear up or else you will have nowhere to go." ,Dad added in.
"94%!!who got 94?" ,my mom exclaimed.
"There are many but of course none in her friends circle.All her friends,the heroines,have got a 60 or a 70 so of course she has topped among them.Congratulations on that."
I wanted to snap back but i decided to keep quiet and so just managed a little embarassed smile.I felt like a loser at that moment.I tried hard to hold back but my inner self was shouting at me to cry out loud.Ok.I do accept I did not work hard enough but is 90% nothing?Do I become a loser just because everyone else decided to get a 94 or 95?Are my efforts nothing just because they failed to make me reach the "94 & above-the toppers" club.I hate to admit it but yes I felt as if I had failed everyone.As if I had failed myself.As if I had failed the exam.I was hurt.My heart was wailing deep inside.I was burning with frustration.But somehow I managed to keep up a straight face.
"Shubhi we are not be littling you or discouraging you beta but what can you do?The Indian education system is that way.90 in itself is a good enough score but here,in India,with competition and cut offs soaring as high as 99,your marks stand way back in the merit list and this is the reality.We are trying to make you see and accept that this score will not get you anywhere.Work again,much more harder and secure yourself a seat through the entrance or else regret for the result for the rest of your life.",dad said.
"What do you plan to do I don't get it?You have no clarity regarding what you want to do,what you have to study,nothing!No vision.No goals."
At this,a pang hit me hard and I wanted to tell what I wanted but then I withdrew the thoughts because it was not the time.My dreams are something which would sound unrealistic to my parents at the moment and I dont have the cheek to stand up for it because currently I am not a winner.I dont have a college.I am not eligible for anything.
"You know naturally the choice for every commerce student is chartered accountancy but I dont know why you did not opt for it?What you plan to do that is BBA has no value until you do MBA too.What do you want to do?Why dont you do CA?" Dad added furthermore.
My grandfather who had been quite till now spoke in.
"I believe and I know she will be doing foreign service or be a collector."
And everyone joined in on the debate regarding my career and what I would be,the only thing being that I was not even involved in it.
I am in my room now.Alone.Everyone has slept.But I am not able to.I feel scared.I feel defeated.I want to get up and fight and win but my energy appears to abandon me.
This education system,this merit based segregation of intelligence has murdered quite a many dreams but I will let it even touch mine.
I will get up.Fight.Not tonight maybe.I need to let the volcano of emotions,self-pity,failure erupt.And then clean up.Wake up tomorrow and head on.
It will not be easy but I dont care now.I want my dreams.And I will have it.
Thank you for reading (feels good to have let it all out).
Live.Love.Dream.
Shubhi

Monday, 25 May 2015

Board Result

The highly anticipated and much awaited board results of CBSE for class 12th was finally released today.Boards,no matter how much we deny,is of immense importance in every indian student's life.
As soon as he news was aanounced that the results are going to published on 25 May 2015,a strange anxiety had taken over me.I had not slept properply the entire night yesterday and since morning today itself I had been up,checking again and again for the results
Everytime the CBSE site loaded,a chill ran down my spine.My heartbeat had started racing and anxiety took over.At the end of it all,boards matter way too much for shaping my future and so it scared me only more to realise that maybe My result would not be good enough.
My eyes were glued to the screen as my result loaded although I wished that it won't and atlast when that blue-yellow table loaded with my destiny and the fruit of my hardwork written on it,a feeling of disappointment washed over me.I had been expecting that I would get atleast 93%-95% but the marks displayed on the screen conveyed that I have an aggregate of 90.75
It is a bit disheartening but its ok now.What had to happen has happened.Now I am determined more than ever to make it my dream college through the entrance exam because if that does not happen chances are slim that I would live my dreams!So now,I am going to work harder than ever before and soon would convey to you all the best news of my life.
Wish me luck. :)
Shubhi

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Agrasen ki Baoli

               
  In the scorching heat of Delhi,a random plan to visit this place proved to be a blessing in disguise.
 Agrasen ki Baoli,situated on Hailey Road near Connaught Place is supposedly one of India's most haunted places and I had often read about it on the internet as well as in some books.Having my coaching in Connaught Place,it only further fed my craving to visit it and so I did along with my four other friends.
On travelling through the narrow lane that led to the baoli,I felt as if travelling back to some other time.We reached at around 1.30 pm and the sun was fairly up,burning off the surroundings but the place had an unusual kind of serenity and coolness.We climbed up the stairs of the entrance and entered,completely unaware of what awaited.My imagination had already started running wild with all types of haunted stories I had read online but the site that greeted us was nothing but a simple old monument,broken here and there and yet beautiful in it's own ancient way.This picture here is all that the baoli possesses.There is nothing beyond these two walls.
I looked around with a little feeling of uneasiness expecting something to happen but nothing seemed to move.It felt as if time had stopped for me.We all sat down on the stairs.And began to inspect every inch.
The Baoli was originally built by Maharaja Agrasen in the Mahabharat era and later rebuilt by the Aggarwal community in the 14th century.It consists of 103 steps made of red stone and is a water temple that was used in ancient times as a reservoir.Now,it is the humble abode of the pigeons and the interior of the Baoli,all dark and cold is inhabited by the Bats.
We could not go inside and discover further as some restoration was going on inside by the Archaelogical Survey of India and so had to make do with sitting on the stairs and reminisce.
The stories of the Baoli being haunted revolve around the theory of Black Waters that the Baoli was supposed to contain at some point,way back in time.The water of the Baoli was called black waters because people claimed that the water appeared magnificient and attractive to the people who were depressed,tired of life and said that the water called out to them to jump in and so many a suicide were reported due to jumping in the water.And eversince,the water was called blackwaters.
I read that when you go down the steps of the Baoli,deep inside,you lose contact with the outside world as the two walls of the baoli seem to enclose on you and stop any sound from reaching down and the stairs when looked up from the last step inside fade out the day and only the steps above and the two walls form the view.I was not lucky enough to go and experience it myself but would love to reutrn once the restoration gets completed and discover it.
Anyways,what I really wanted to tell was that the Baoli in no way seemed haunted to me but a place peaceful,relaxing enough.I loved the quietness surrounding me with only the sound of birds and air travelling through my ears.The place seemed to radiate a pious stillness and has secured itself a very unusually noteworthy place,deep down in my heart with it's captivating tranquility.
It is a must visit for all those seeking quietude and exuberance.
Go and sooth your mind.
Love.Live.Dream.
Shubhi :)

Break

So I have been off from the blog for quite a long time I guess.Well,I would sure apologise but the absence was unavoidable.I had my entrance tests showing up one after the other and I had been engrossed prepping up,learning,practising and cramming up all I could that would help me get into the college of my dreams.And now that they are over,I am back to working on what I want.
The past one month has felt like a strange experience.I have travelled through different emotions.Some were overwhelming while the other one's scared me.There were nights when I did nothing,felt nothing but numb yet cried to release the pain entrapped for reasons unknown.And also there were days sooo good,full of self discovery and introspection that now I am pretty much in a deep relationship with myself and my goals.
Over so many posts I haven't really very much clearly introduced myself yet but today I would love to do so.And to start with....
Hiee!I am an "official adult (according to Indian laws though i haven't yet been considered one by my beloved family)" discovering the weird and happy phases of life like any other 18 year old.I have been in a relationship for the last one year and I am yet not sure if it is love or not.There is a reason behind this too but let's save that story for some other time.My boyfriend loves me way too much and   I,no actually we have tried to separate our ways quite a few times in the past 2 months because of the conflicting opinions we share yet everytime we end up staying together and that is how it is.Anyways,I am full of energy and positivity.No problem seems big enough to me and even if it does I try to assure myself that it is fine to face problems once in a while and so I sail through it smiling as always.Now you may think I am trying to pose myself as a bit too much optimistic or something but that is who I am.I have been through that age of silly 15-16 wherein a breakup meant the end of my world but life taught me much more than that.It taught me to live rather than just survive.Smile and fight rather than cry and sit back.I love everything I have and I had.And I feel proud of myself when at times I look back at how nicely I had handled the situations without being depressed or ohh-soo-melodramatic.
And and and...yess!!!I am a dog lover.I just adore them.They are like the first love of my life.So anyday any of you plan to gift me anything,make sure it's a dog. :D
I guess this much is enough for now.See you all later through the screen.
Love.Live.Dream.
Shubhi