Friday, 10 July 2015
Monday, 29 June 2015
Tuesday, 23 June 2015
Keep your head held high ladies. <3
Umm..today I want to share a piece of my past that I have buried for long inside me.Actually,I was in love 3 years back.There was this guy who lived next to my house and we had been in a serious relationship for one and a half year until I discovered he had been cheating on me.I trusted him blindly.I was loyal like a dog.I loved him like a mother loved her child.He was my world.And just to clarify,it was no puppy love because,well because no it wasnt.I was a different person then.I am a different person now.My break up with him left me hollow.Nothing.No feelings.No pain.Nothing.Just a void.A void full of agony.Yet I learnt to keep strong.I used to cry till the time I was with him but the night I ended it,I cried like I had ever and promised myself never to again.And its strange to say but I dont cry anymore.I dont feel anymore.The other relationship I got into after him thinking I would get over him has only made me realise that I value that relationship I shared more than anything even today.And one apology from him and I might go back.Or maybe not.I do hate him.But then I love myself,the self I was when he was there.But of course,I will not go back.He cheated.He might do it again.No.I will not.I just want to snatch myself back.I wonder how?
Friday, 19 June 2015
I know I have been gone too long but now I am back from the city of dreams that is Mumbai.What an exhausting trip it was.First of all,to remind you the purpose of my trip,I had to get admission in Narsee Monjee.And yes.I screwed up my Delhi University's BMS exam last Sunday.So,all hopes go down the dump.Anyways,so Mumbai has been discovered like never before this time by me.The last time I had gone there,all I had seen was vast,blue,beautiful ocean and skyline outlined by the skyscrapers.But this time,having travelled through the interiors of the city,my entire perception of Mumbai has changed.So much so that I am not even sure now if I want to go there and study.The roads are narrow,densely populated and traffic jams are a common scenario.The attenuated buildings reaching as high as the sky,covering either sides of the road,leave not a space for the sky to be seen from anywhere down on the earth.Also,due to lack of space and the salty,moisture filled air,the condition of houses is particularly unimpressive.
Delhi is in sharp contrast to Mumbai.Wide roads.Greenery everywhere.So much open space.Posh buildings.Its the type of world,my world in particular,where I have been living and grown up since the past 15 years.And I am only 18 now.So that very well explains my claustrophobic reaction to Mumbai.
I am really confused.What to do?Delhi or Mumbai?
Tuesday, 9 June 2015
People say it will pass.I wonder when?
Today's day seems soo tiresome for me.I feel exhausted now.I dont want to go back to those tiresome and endless higher maths or logical reasoning questions anymore.I feel like giving up and quietly admitting my abode in Mumbai.I want to fight but I am exhausted.I am tired.I dont want to get up.I want to sit.Sleep.Relax.It's a matter of 4-5 days more only but still I am not able to bring myself to work.Urghhhh!!This is soo frustrating!Since the past two months,this is the only thing that has been happening!I wonder when for once and all would it be ending!A month more or there is much more to come? 😩
Sunday, 7 June 2015
Ting Ting Ting :D
I am sooo happy.I got an email today that was a confirmation from Mumbai's,the city of dreams,and also India's one of the best institutes for management that I have cleared their entrance exam and I am eligible now to get enrolled into their institution.My dad was so happy.My mom could not control smiling.And my joy knew no bounds as I was least expecting to get selected because it was an extra ordinarily difficult exam.Yet,to know I cleared it made me feel like laugh and cry,altogether.
Dad booked mine and his flight tickets for Mumbai to confirm my admission and I would be flying on 11 June there.
In all this hustled excitement,another thing that has struck me hard is that I would have to stay alone and away from my parents who would be here in Delhi.I have never been alone and always been the most pampered child in my entire lineage.I wake up in the morning,be it 9 AM or 12 PM,my lovely mom is always there to serve me my honey and lemon and my breakfast,first thing after I wake up.I have to care about nothing as mom manages everything.And for everything else,papa is there.They are superparents.And the thought of going away is a mixed one.On one hand,I would get to learn to become independent,self reliant and stuff but on the other hand I would not be able to come home,tired at the end of the day and have my bed already made up or my mom ready with the food I love.It's all a bit depressing and I am torn between choosing what to do.
I have my Delhi University's entrance exam as well on 14 and that pretty much would decide where I stay.I clear it and I stayback here,but if I don't,I will have to go to Narsee Monjee.Currently,I am very unsure about what I exactly want but I feel it's ok.I have the steering of my life in my hand and it's upto me right now to drive it to wherever I want.
So crossing my fingers and hoping that whatever happens would happen for the good,I am getting on to work hard for my entrace.
Buhh byee.Wish me luck.
Monday, 1 June 2015
Today I feel very happy and my chirpy self.I have my Delhi University's entrance exam in two weeks and then I would be completely free and this time by free I really mean 'free'.
Anyways today I wanted to share this new found love of mine that is cooking.I have been experimenting over a few days,trying new recipes and some,I would be so humble as to admit that they did turn out disastrous but then the other one's were a big yummy success and I could just not help but share it with you people.
|Creamy mayo chicken macaroni|
Friday, 29 May 2015
Yesterday,I had decided to end it all because now it was enough.Moreover,I have built up this kind of an attitude over the many weeks that now I dont really wish to be in a relationship.All this-being romantically involved,taking care of someone else,being accountable,responsible etc have gone far beyond my covet now.I want to be alone.I want to live for myself.I want to fly.It's not at all that my botfriend restricts me from being myself or anything but still there is this unsaid rule that we to be there always whenever either of us need.We have to be accountable.We have to be responsible.We have to think ten times before doing anything in order to ensure it does bot harm us or our relationship.
I am tired of it now.Yesterday I broke up after we had a heated argument.I thought that for once it was finally over.I kept my phone aside and got back to reading a novel in orer to divert my mind from it all and then I get a message from him saying,'you would never see me again.I promise you that.'
I got a little worked up because even before he had tried to do some sort of this stupid thing by telling me that he had eaten some pills and now his blood pressure was going to get slow that it might be fatal and I was so exasperated at that momen.Only later when we resolved that he told me that he was only planning but did not actually.And so because of this incident,I couldnt help but call him back.I told him everything that I cannot be in this relationship anymore but then he had a meltdown.
He has soo many problems going on his family.His academy result has been very much disappointing.He is completely broke from inside.He said he does admit that he has made mistakes due to which I have reached my saturation point but he wants to change.And I cannot just leave him like this because his life is in a turmoil.He needs someone to confide in.To comfort him.And I am his escape from his messed up world.If I leave,he has no idea what he might do but definitely he would not survive for long,that he promised me.
Hearing it all,I was numb.I did not have the ghost of an idea as to what I should be doing.Now,all the firm hold I had had before on my decision to break up,I felt it loosening up.I did not know what to do.He said I love you.I kept quiet.He said I cannot leave you.I kept quiet.He said come back.I cannot let you go.A silent drop of tear rolled down my cheeks.My mind my black.My heart was wreathing in an unknown anxiety.I could not be so heartless.I could not leave him just like this and go.The battle between my heart and mind ended even before It could commence.
"I love you too.",I said and there,right then,it all ended.
We talked into the night after that,trying to cheer up each other and finally slept at 5 in the morning.
Today's day so far has been good enough.No fights.No nothing.All is good.All is calm.
I dont know if it was a right decision or not.Only time can tell that but till then,I just hope we pull it off in the best way possible without sacrificing our own selves.
I feel happy currently.Maybe this time the cupid would strike on the right spot and forever hopefully. :)
Tuesday, 26 May 2015
As we sat down in the car and moved towards our destination,it all began.
My mom was the first one to speak."You know Poonam's son has cleared IIT Delhi and most probably IIT Mumbai too.He even got 95% in his boards.It was very clear from the very beggining that he is very intelligent.So studious.She seemed so happy."
I sat back in the car,quietly trying to avoid hearing about how many 95 and 97 other kids had got by looking outside the car window at the complete darkness of the night.Even the stars seemed to have abandoned the sky for once.The street lights glowed their usual orange and faded one by one into the distance as we moved ahead.
We sat down in the restaurant and what had paused for around 10 mins after getting down from the car and settling down into our seats inside the restaurant commenced afresh.
"Did you check on your friends result?" ,my mom asked me.
"No.What's the need?What would I do with their result?" ,I replied.
"But still you should be informed."
"With 90%,you know Shubhi you stand nowhere in the real scenario.No Delhi University.No good college.You have closed one door for yourself.You cannot now expect to get admission on the basis of your marks because 90 is not enough.I have checked the results of other students in your class and most of them have their score around 94%.They are kids who might be able to get into DU.You now have only one chance and that is the entrance exam.Gear up or else you will have nowhere to go." ,Dad added in.
"94%!!who got 94?" ,my mom exclaimed.
"There are many but of course none in her friends circle.All her friends,the heroines,have got a 60 or a 70 so of course she has topped among them.Congratulations on that."
I wanted to snap back but i decided to keep quiet and so just managed a little embarassed smile.I felt like a loser at that moment.I tried hard to hold back but my inner self was shouting at me to cry out loud.Ok.I do accept I did not work hard enough but is 90% nothing?Do I become a loser just because everyone else decided to get a 94 or 95?Are my efforts nothing just because they failed to make me reach the "94 & above-the toppers" club.I hate to admit it but yes I felt as if I had failed everyone.As if I had failed myself.As if I had failed the exam.I was hurt.My heart was wailing deep inside.I was burning with frustration.But somehow I managed to keep up a straight face.
"Shubhi we are not be littling you or discouraging you beta but what can you do?The Indian education system is that way.90 in itself is a good enough score but here,in India,with competition and cut offs soaring as high as 99,your marks stand way back in the merit list and this is the reality.We are trying to make you see and accept that this score will not get you anywhere.Work again,much more harder and secure yourself a seat through the entrance or else regret for the result for the rest of your life.",dad said.
"What do you plan to do I don't get it?You have no clarity regarding what you want to do,what you have to study,nothing!No vision.No goals."
At this,a pang hit me hard and I wanted to tell what I wanted but then I withdrew the thoughts because it was not the time.My dreams are something which would sound unrealistic to my parents at the moment and I dont have the cheek to stand up for it because currently I am not a winner.I dont have a college.I am not eligible for anything.
"You know naturally the choice for every commerce student is chartered accountancy but I dont know why you did not opt for it?What you plan to do that is BBA has no value until you do MBA too.What do you want to do?Why dont you do CA?" Dad added furthermore.
My grandfather who had been quite till now spoke in.
"I believe and I know she will be doing foreign service or be a collector."
And everyone joined in on the debate regarding my career and what I would be,the only thing being that I was not even involved in it.
I am in my room now.Alone.Everyone has slept.But I am not able to.I feel scared.I feel defeated.I want to get up and fight and win but my energy appears to abandon me.
This education system,this merit based segregation of intelligence has murdered quite a many dreams but I will let it even touch mine.
I will get up.Fight.Not tonight maybe.I need to let the volcano of emotions,self-pity,failure erupt.And then clean up.Wake up tomorrow and head on.
It will not be easy but I dont care now.I want my dreams.And I will have it.
Thank you for reading (feels good to have let it all out).
Monday, 25 May 2015
As soon as he news was aanounced that the results are going to published on 25 May 2015,a strange anxiety had taken over me.I had not slept properply the entire night yesterday and since morning today itself I had been up,checking again and again for the results
Everytime the CBSE site loaded,a chill ran down my spine.My heartbeat had started racing and anxiety took over.At the end of it all,boards matter way too much for shaping my future and so it scared me only more to realise that maybe My result would not be good enough.
My eyes were glued to the screen as my result loaded although I wished that it won't and atlast when that blue-yellow table loaded with my destiny and the fruit of my hardwork written on it,a feeling of disappointment washed over me.I had been expecting that I would get atleast 93%-95% but the marks displayed on the screen conveyed that I have an aggregate of 90.75
It is a bit disheartening but its ok now.What had to happen has happened.Now I am determined more than ever to make it my dream college through the entrance exam because if that does not happen chances are slim that I would live my dreams!So now,I am going to work harder than ever before and soon would convey to you all the best news of my life.
Wish me luck. :)
Wednesday, 20 May 2015
Agrasen ki Baoli,situated on Hailey Road near Connaught Place is supposedly one of India's most haunted places and I had often read about it on the internet as well as in some books.Having my coaching in Connaught Place,it only further fed my craving to visit it and so I did along with my four other friends.
On travelling through the narrow lane that led to the baoli,I felt as if travelling back to some other time.We reached at around 1.30 pm and the sun was fairly up,burning off the surroundings but the place had an unusual kind of serenity and coolness.We climbed up the stairs of the entrance and entered,completely unaware of what awaited.My imagination had already started running wild with all types of haunted stories I had read online but the site that greeted us was nothing but a simple old monument,broken here and there and yet beautiful in it's own ancient way.This picture here is all that the baoli possesses.There is nothing beyond these two walls.
The Baoli was originally built by Maharaja Agrasen in the Mahabharat era and later rebuilt by the Aggarwal community in the 14th century.It consists of 103 steps made of red stone and is a water temple that was used in ancient times as a reservoir.Now,it is the humble abode of the pigeons and the interior of the Baoli,all dark and cold is inhabited by the Bats.
We could not go inside and discover further as some restoration was going on inside by the Archaelogical Survey of India and so had to make do with sitting on the stairs and reminisce.
The stories of the Baoli being haunted revolve around the theory of Black Waters that the Baoli was supposed to contain at some point,way back in time.The water of the Baoli was called black waters because people claimed that the water appeared magnificient and attractive to the people who were depressed,tired of life and said that the water called out to them to jump in and so many a suicide were reported due to jumping in the water.And eversince,the water was called blackwaters.
I read that when you go down the steps of the Baoli,deep inside,you lose contact with the outside world as the two walls of the baoli seem to enclose on you and stop any sound from reaching down and the stairs when looked up from the last step inside fade out the day and only the steps above and the two walls form the view.I was not lucky enough to go and experience it myself but would love to reutrn once the restoration gets completed and discover it.
Anyways,what I really wanted to tell was that the Baoli in no way seemed haunted to me but a place peaceful,relaxing enough.I loved the quietness surrounding me with only the sound of birds and air travelling through my ears.The place seemed to radiate a pious stillness and has secured itself a very unusually noteworthy place,deep down in my heart with it's captivating tranquility.
It is a must visit for all those seeking quietude and exuberance.
Go and sooth your mind.
The past one month has felt like a strange experience.I have travelled through different emotions.Some were overwhelming while the other one's scared me.There were nights when I did nothing,felt nothing but numb yet cried to release the pain entrapped for reasons unknown.And also there were days sooo good,full of self discovery and introspection that now I am pretty much in a deep relationship with myself and my goals.
Over so many posts I haven't really very much clearly introduced myself yet but today I would love to do so.And to start with....
Hiee!I am an "official adult (according to Indian laws though i haven't yet been considered one by my beloved family)" discovering the weird and happy phases of life like any other 18 year old.I have been in a relationship for the last one year and I am yet not sure if it is love or not.There is a reason behind this too but let's save that story for some other time.My boyfriend loves me way too much and I,no actually we have tried to separate our ways quite a few times in the past 2 months because of the conflicting opinions we share yet everytime we end up staying together and that is how it is.Anyways,I am full of energy and positivity.No problem seems big enough to me and even if it does I try to assure myself that it is fine to face problems once in a while and so I sail through it smiling as always.Now you may think I am trying to pose myself as a bit too much optimistic or something but that is who I am.I have been through that age of silly 15-16 wherein a breakup meant the end of my world but life taught me much more than that.It taught me to live rather than just survive.Smile and fight rather than cry and sit back.I love everything I have and I had.And I feel proud of myself when at times I look back at how nicely I had handled the situations without being depressed or ohh-soo-melodramatic.
And and and...yess!!!I am a dog lover.I just adore them.They are like the first love of my life.So anyday any of you plan to gift me anything,make sure it's a dog. :D
I guess this much is enough for now.See you all later through the screen.
Friday, 3 April 2015
It's strange enough that just yesterday I had talked about my dreams,my journey beginning and today it all seems washed down.It is a little stressful time for my family as my first cousin just flunked his science course and has to repeat his 11th grade.The atmosphere at my home and his home,both is kind of subdued.I feel bad for him but at the same time I wouldn't really empathise with him because I know he hadn't worked at all for his result.
The thing that has troubled me the entire day today is the tension that my dad has been carrying regarding my future.He was soo exasperated that he vented out all that was going on in his mind in the form of sarcastic comments regarding me,my studies,my academic performance.My dad has big dreams for me.He wants to see me rise to the top in the corporate world and he has even tried asking me what I want to consider as my career but my wishes aren't really that well acknowledged when it comes to deciding my future.It's India.You don't dream for yourself.Your parents do.And if the society approves,it's a yes or else your parents reconsider their dreams for you.Nowhere do I say that it is wrong for parents to dream about their children's future but what is wrong in my opinion is imposing and expecting the kids to dream on the same lines.The children are born as individuals and they grow up to be individuals then why are their individual dreams often suppressed and replaced by those of their bearers.
What happened today has left me feeling lost.Owing to the last 6 months of vigorous studies and zero activity,I have bloated me up like an air balloon but I was optimistic since I had been looking forward to hit the gym once the exams were over.But in India,EXAMS ARE NEVER OVER!
As soon as I had finished up with my boards,I realised that I have my entrance exams lined up for which I have been already enrolled into a coaching that would be helping me to sail through these exams.The duration is 3 hours everyday in the morning so it would consume half of my day but still I chose to remain optimistic and decided to go to the gym in the evening hours.Upo
n discussing my plan with my parents,what hell fell upon me was too much for me to take.
It all began like this:-
"Mom I want to join the gym for the evening hours."
"You would get tired.How would you concentrate on your studies and exams?Gym is not important.These entrance tests are.No requirement for gym.Come home,sleep and study." my mom replied.
"But i have been waiting soo long.I am not going to abide by everything that you want me to do.I have my plans also.It's not always that you would have it your way"
And the argument began.Later when my father joined us,my mom told him everything about how I had been arguing with her all evening.He was cool with the fact that I wanted to join the gym and my heart did a little happy dance when he said, "so what's the problem?"
As my mouth just began to curve into a smile,my mom told him that I want to join now and what followed next broke me down emotionally.
They both went out for me,saying things like I dont understand how can you even think of such things at this moment when you stand at the fork of your life.All your life we have fulfilled every wish of yours and just now,when it's time for you to stand up for yourself you want to mess up everything.We have been already going out of what we can afford to make sure you get the best education and yet you have to fail us like this.Accusitions,one after another followed and with each broke down a little part of me.Was it really true?Was i really failing them?The questions lingered in my mind.I kept quite and secluded myself in my room.
I sat down wondering where all this was heading!Was growing up really this messed up?Does it really happen that you are not the master of your fate but you are there to obey the commands!I mean Iknow going to the gym is not that big an issue and that is not what troubled me but the way in which I had been refused.It felt really weird to see the mum and dad who had always been standing next to me,smiling and encouraging me to do as small things as keep my toys back in their place today defying all what I want.
I broke down.Silent,frustrated tears rolled down as i struggled to keep them held within.The child in me wanted to cry out loud but the adult in me tried suppressing it.
My parents are the best parents in this world.There is no doubt in that.And we belong to a well off family so finance has never been a constraint I ever had to come across.I have always got whatever I wanted.My father would never let me cry.Then what happened today?Did his little doll really grow up?So much that now he has to hold her back and direct her in the way he wants?
It pained.It cringed to realise what I am aiming for,my dreams they would all come at a huge cost.I know my parents would defy and hold out in the beggining but would be the happiest and proudest once they see me become the superstar I want to but till then the journey is not going to be easy for either of us.
I cried and cried till my eyes burned.I dont know what happened suddenly but maybe my mommy and daddy realised that they had been way too hard on me.And so they came up to me,reasoned out saying I could do anything once these exams were over,pacified me by assuring they would set me free but for tje time being I had to perform what was expected of me.
After that they took me to dinner because after all,they know I love food and it cheers me up like nothing.So we went to my favourite restaurant,I had a hearty meal and I feel happy again.
I know it is kind of strange to be experiencing these ups and downs but its okay.Its always darkest before the dawn breaks.
Thursday, 2 April 2015
As i entail on my journey of self discovery and fulflling my dreams,I am aware for what awaits me is nothing less than a struggle for survival yet with all courage that I have been able to gather,I am finally stepping out into the world that beholds all the bounties i need to steal from it.My dreams,my aspirations.All lie with it and I am to act a discoverer,digging and searching and fighting for what is mine.
"Life is what you make it."
Heard it often?Sure you have.Want to see how it works?Start following up on my life and you would know soon.
To begin with,I am a girl in my late teens.Actually on the verge of loosing my "teens" as I turn 20 next year.I have just got over with my school and given the dreaded board exams that every student in India has to go through.Talking of which,just to elaborate,boards are supposedly (or I might say orthodoxically)the exams that are supposed to be the authors of we student's fate.We screw up in one exam.We screw up our fates.Our career and what not!Well,to show the bright side?Boards are nothing but exams and a piece paper definitely cannot judge our capabilities,can it?If only the parents would understand that.
Anyways,so as i have got over with my school there are dreams of mine to make it big.And by big,i mean real big.I have a long way to go from here as the hurdles that are yet to come in my race towards my dream are not the easy ones.And I have been scared at times fearing what if I dont achieve what I want to?But then optimism is all that stays.And so it does.I read some where once that "if your dreams dont scare you,maybe they are not big enough." And that has inspired me time and again to not give in to what society wants from me but to make a mark in the society for it to see that their conventions and norms are not the only things that would make one successful.
Coming back to who I am,i represent many of you out there fighting and wailing to get it your way.Today is the first post that I am making because finally the expedition of my life (or you may refer it to as expedition de vie) has commenced.And definitely i would be needing confederates to accompany me,support me and encourage me while i travel.So alongwith me,all those of you thinking or planning to dream,dream now and dream big.And post it down here in the comments.As my journey unfolds,you and me can both work out on yours too,providing the much needed encouragement and hope.
Lots of love,