Friday, 29 May 2015

Dilemma

Yesterday's night was a very heavy one for me.I am torn between choosing myself or him.The relationship has been way too much for me and him to handle yet somehow we had been hanging on.Every other day,either he had some complaints or I did.The past two months have had nothing for us but irritation,angst and anger for each other.
Yesterday,I had decided to end it all because now it was enough.Moreover,I have built up this kind of an attitude over the many weeks that now I dont really wish to be in a relationship.All this-being romantically involved,taking care of someone else,being accountable,responsible etc have gone far beyond my covet now.I want to be alone.I want to live for myself.I want to fly.It's not at all that my botfriend restricts me from being myself or anything but still there is this unsaid rule that we to be there always whenever either of us need.We have to be accountable.We have to be responsible.We have to think ten times before doing anything in order to ensure it does bot harm us or our relationship.
I am tired of it now.Yesterday I broke up after we had a heated argument.I thought that for once it was finally over.I kept my phone aside and got back to reading a novel in orer to divert my mind from it all and then I get a message from him saying,'you would never see me again.I promise you that.'
I got a little worked up because even before he had tried to do some sort of this stupid thing by telling  me that he had eaten some pills and now his blood pressure was going to get slow that it might be fatal and I was so exasperated at that momen.Only later when we resolved that he told me that he was only planning but did not actually.And so because of this incident,I couldnt help but call him back.I told him everything that I cannot be in this relationship anymore but then he had a meltdown.
He has soo many problems going on his family.His academy result has been very much disappointing.He is completely broke from inside.He said he does admit that he has made mistakes due to which I have reached my saturation point but he wants to change.And I cannot just leave him like this because his life is in a turmoil.He needs someone to confide in.To comfort him.And I am his escape from his messed up world.If I leave,he has no idea what he might do but definitely he would not survive for long,that he promised me.
Hearing it all,I was numb.I did not have the ghost of an idea as to what I should be doing.Now,all the firm hold I had had before on my decision to break up,I felt it loosening up.I did not know what to do.He said I love you.I kept quiet.He said I cannot leave you.I kept quiet.He said come back.I cannot let you go.A silent drop of tear rolled down my cheeks.My mind my black.My heart was wreathing in an unknown anxiety.I could not be so heartless.I could not leave him just like this and go.The battle between my heart and mind ended even before It could commence.
"I love you too.",I said and there,right then,it all ended.
We talked into the night after that,trying to cheer up each other and finally slept at 5 in the morning.
Today's day so far has been good enough.No fights.No nothing.All is good.All is calm.
I dont know if it was a right decision or not.Only time can tell that but till then,I just hope we pull it off in the best way possible without sacrificing our own selves.
I feel happy currently.Maybe this time the cupid would strike on the right spot and forever hopefully. :)
Love.Live.Dream.
Shubhi

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