Tuesday, 26 May 2015

After Effects of a 90%

So today I and my family went for a dinner at night.Yesterday's result was a bit of a diappointment for me but my parent's,my relatives everyone congratulated me for securing a ninety but the truth was not revealed to me till today.
As we sat down in the car and moved towards our destination,it all began.
My mom was the first one to speak."You know Poonam's son has cleared IIT Delhi and most probably IIT Mumbai too.He even got 95% in his boards.It was very clear from the very beggining that he is very intelligent.So studious.She seemed so happy."
I sat back in the car,quietly trying to avoid hearing about how many 95 and 97 other kids had got by looking outside the car window at the complete darkness of the night.Even the stars seemed to have abandoned the sky for once.The street lights glowed their usual orange and faded one by one into the distance as we moved ahead.
We sat down in the restaurant and what had paused for around 10 mins after getting down from the car and settling down into our seats inside the restaurant commenced afresh.
"Did you check on your friends result?" ,my mom asked me.
"No.What's the need?What would I do with their result?" ,I replied.
"But still you should be informed."
"With 90%,you know Shubhi you stand nowhere in the real scenario.No Delhi University.No good college.You have closed one door for yourself.You cannot now expect to get admission on the basis of your marks because 90 is not enough.I have checked the results of other students in your class and most of them have their score around 94%.They are kids who might be able to get into DU.You now have only one chance and that is the entrance exam.Gear up or else you will have nowhere to go." ,Dad added in.
"94%!!who got 94?" ,my mom exclaimed.
"There are many but of course none in her friends circle.All her friends,the heroines,have got a 60 or a 70 so of course she has topped among them.Congratulations on that."
I wanted to snap back but i decided to keep quiet and so just managed a little embarassed smile.I felt like a loser at that moment.I tried hard to hold back but my inner self was shouting at me to cry out loud.Ok.I do accept I did not work hard enough but is 90% nothing?Do I become a loser just because everyone else decided to get a 94 or 95?Are my efforts nothing just because they failed to make me reach the "94 & above-the toppers" club.I hate to admit it but yes I felt as if I had failed everyone.As if I had failed myself.As if I had failed the exam.I was hurt.My heart was wailing deep inside.I was burning with frustration.But somehow I managed to keep up a straight face.
"Shubhi we are not be littling you or discouraging you beta but what can you do?The Indian education system is that way.90 in itself is a good enough score but here,in India,with competition and cut offs soaring as high as 99,your marks stand way back in the merit list and this is the reality.We are trying to make you see and accept that this score will not get you anywhere.Work again,much more harder and secure yourself a seat through the entrance or else regret for the result for the rest of your life.",dad said.
"What do you plan to do I don't get it?You have no clarity regarding what you want to do,what you have to study,nothing!No vision.No goals."
At this,a pang hit me hard and I wanted to tell what I wanted but then I withdrew the thoughts because it was not the time.My dreams are something which would sound unrealistic to my parents at the moment and I dont have the cheek to stand up for it because currently I am not a winner.I dont have a college.I am not eligible for anything.
"You know naturally the choice for every commerce student is chartered accountancy but I dont know why you did not opt for it?What you plan to do that is BBA has no value until you do MBA too.What do you want to do?Why dont you do CA?" Dad added furthermore.
My grandfather who had been quite till now spoke in.
"I believe and I know she will be doing foreign service or be a collector."
And everyone joined in on the debate regarding my career and what I would be,the only thing being that I was not even involved in it.
I am in my room now.Alone.Everyone has slept.But I am not able to.I feel scared.I feel defeated.I want to get up and fight and win but my energy appears to abandon me.
This education system,this merit based segregation of intelligence has murdered quite a many dreams but I will let it even touch mine.
I will get up.Fight.Not tonight maybe.I need to let the volcano of emotions,self-pity,failure erupt.And then clean up.Wake up tomorrow and head on.
It will not be easy but I dont care now.I want my dreams.And I will have it.
Thank you for reading (feels good to have let it all out).

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