Friday, 3 April 2015

A day in Life

There are days when you are completely lost.I came across one today.
It's strange enough that just yesterday I had talked about my dreams,my journey beginning and today it all seems washed down.It is a little stressful time for my family as my first cousin just flunked his science course and has to repeat his 11th grade.The atmosphere at my home and his home,both is kind of subdued.I feel bad for him but at the same time I wouldn't really empathise with him because I know he hadn't worked at all for his result.
The thing that has troubled me the entire day today is the tension that my dad has been carrying regarding my future.He was soo exasperated that he vented out all that was going on in his mind in the form of sarcastic comments regarding me,my studies,my academic performance.My dad has big dreams for me.He wants to see me rise to the top in the corporate world and he has even tried asking me what I want to consider as my career but my wishes aren't really that well acknowledged when it comes to deciding my future.It's India.You don't dream for yourself.Your parents do.And if the society approves,it's a yes or else your parents reconsider their dreams for you.Nowhere do I say that it is wrong for parents to dream about their children's future but what is wrong in my opinion is imposing and expecting the kids to dream on the same lines.The children are born as individuals and they grow up to be individuals then why are their individual dreams often suppressed and replaced by those of their bearers.
What happened today has left me feeling lost.Owing to the last 6 months of vigorous studies and zero activity,I have bloated me up like an air balloon but I was optimistic since I had been looking forward to hit the gym once the exams were over.But in India,EXAMS ARE NEVER OVER!
As soon as I had finished up with my boards,I realised that I have my entrance exams lined up for which I have been already enrolled into a coaching that would be helping me to sail through these exams.The duration is 3 hours everyday in the morning so it would consume half of my day but still I chose to remain optimistic and decided to go to the gym in the evening hours.Upo
n discussing my plan with my parents,what hell fell upon me was  too much for me to take.
It all began like this:-
"Mom I want to join the gym for the evening hours."
"You would get tired.How would you concentrate on your studies and exams?Gym is not important.These entrance tests are.No requirement for gym.Come home,sleep and study." my mom replied.
"But i have been waiting soo long.I am not going to abide by everything that you want me to do.I have my plans also.It's not always that you would have it your way"
And the argument began.Later when my father joined us,my mom told him everything about how I had been arguing with her all evening.He was cool with the fact that I wanted to join the gym and my heart did a little happy dance when he said, "so what's the problem?"
As my mouth just began to curve into a smile,my mom told him that I want to join now and what followed next broke me down emotionally.
They both went out for me,saying things like I dont understand how can you even think of such things at this moment when you stand at the fork of your life.All your life we have fulfilled every wish of yours and just now,when it's time for you to stand up for yourself you want to mess up everything.We have been already going out of what we can afford to make sure you get the best education and yet you have to fail us like this.Accusitions,one after another followed and with each broke down a little part of me.Was it really true?Was i really failing them?The questions lingered in my mind.I kept quite and secluded myself in my room.
I sat down wondering where all this was heading!Was growing up really this messed up?Does it really happen that you are not the master of your fate but you are there to obey the commands!I mean Iknow going to the gym is not that big an issue and that is not what troubled me but the way in which I had been refused.It felt really weird to see the mum and dad who had always been standing next to me,smiling and encouraging me to do as small things as keep my toys back in their place today defying all what I want.
I broke down.Silent,frustrated tears rolled down as i struggled to keep them held within.The child in me wanted to cry out loud but the adult in me tried suppressing it.
My parents are the best parents in this world.There is no doubt in that.And we belong to a well off family so finance has never been a constraint I ever had to come across.I have always got whatever I wanted.My father would never let me cry.Then what happened today?Did his little doll really grow up?So much that now he has to hold her back and direct her in the way he wants?
It pained.It cringed to realise what I am aiming for,my dreams they would all come at a huge cost.I know my parents would defy and hold out in the beggining but  would be the happiest and proudest once they see me become the superstar I want to but till then the journey is not going to be easy for either of us.
I cried and cried till my eyes burned.I dont know what happened suddenly but maybe my mommy and daddy realised that they had been way too hard on me.And so they came up to me,reasoned out saying I could do anything once these exams were over,pacified me by assuring they would set me free but for tje time being I had to perform what was expected of me.
After that they took me to dinner because after all,they know I love food and it cheers me up like nothing.So we went to my favourite restaurant,I had a hearty meal and I feel happy again.
I know it is kind of strange to be experiencing these ups and downs but its okay.Its always darkest before the dawn breaks.

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